It's not always rainbows and butterflies

I've been meaning to write a realistic post about some of the struggles we have as newly adoptive parents...I had hoped to do a couple of posts describing the issues as we have them but i'm finding it difficult to get time to sit down uninterrupted with my computer.  Sadly this all came to a head a couple of days after Christmas and I felt like i needed to get some things off my chest.  I find this blogging to be therapeutic...Forgive me if it's wordy but it's a good description of where we are really...
There is so much good about his situation that I have a hard time knowing where to begin. The typical things like English acquisition and eating and sleeping skills are all doing quite well. He astounds us with new English words everyday. Things I didn't know he knew that he uses appropriately. He still speaks some Russian and we still speak a little but the majority is English out of both his and our mouths.  He narrates all day everything he's doing.  It's pretty funny actually..."mom i'm pooping"..."mom I'm eating"..."mom i'm playing"  He is using his english every chance he gets and we are loving it!
His sleeping has been much better. His waking at night terrified for unbenounced reasons are few and far between. He doesn't fight us for bed anymore either which signals to me that he either realizes he has lost that battle or he welcomes sleep a little more.
His eating has gotten better. He eats most things we put in front of him. We do have the occasional battle at dinnertime as do all three year olds but his are a little different than my other kiddos. We struggle teaching him the appropriate amount of food to put in his mouth. It isn't so much that he puts too much as it is that he takes FOREVER to chew and swallow. He is always the last to finish and often he overfills his mouth and chews on and on and eventually just spits it all out....which is infuriating! When he decides he doesn't like something and he knows he has to eat it he will do so but chews on it forever and even end up making himself throw it up later. Again a practice that drives us nutty! He's getting better and he is learning but it's at a slow pace in the food area...can't win them all...
His relationships with his siblings is great. He fights with Derek but all brothers do. Those two crack me up as they will be down right evil towards each other in one moment then giggling at each other just making silly faces across the room. His sisters, he adores...they are little mommas to him which sometimes is an issue but I feel like it is because of them that he is so secure at home.  We can go out on dates because Maddy and Savannah are there to help put him to bed.  Same with Derek...he is okay with going to mother's day out because big brother is next door and every now and then he will go to see him as a reminder.
He behaves himself in public and is usually easy to correct if need be. He's calmer in social settings too. No more running around like crazy constantly trying to be a clown.
He makes us laugh and participates as the other family members do. He doesn't seem like an outsider looking in anymore but a real part of the family. He includes himself and likes to say grace at a meal or add his story when the kids are going on and on...even if we don't understand it completely.
Our struggles with him have been minor and we feel so very blessed!
As with any family though it isn't all rainbows and butterflies...
As a mom you generally know what your kids are feeling often before they say it. You can tell if your kid lies, if he's truly sorry, if he's really hurt. You often know how best to discipline and how to get an appropriate response out of him. Often personalities come out with your kids that you recognize.  You end up saying things like "you're just like your dad" or "you act like my sister".  With Kasen it's a crap shoot. I can tell some times in his eyes if there is remorse but sometimes it is hard to distinguish if it's a real apology or if he just wants his thing back or his being able to play again. It's hard as a parent to hear "I'm sorry" or even "I love you" when you think it is a trained or learned response. It makes you raise an eyebrow at all those other times he says "I love you"...like do you really or do you just want something from me. With my bio kids it is assumed and comes natural. With Kasen it is super special when you know it's for real but it's irritating when you realize you are being manipulated with very special words like I love you.
If you would have asked me a couple of weeks ago how he is attaching I'd say no problems whatsoever. In recent weeks though I feel like he is testing us. He will say things like "I don't want momma" or "I want momma to go away" Same goes for Willem. He does this every now and then for both of us and it stings. He will sometimes point at complete strangers and say "that's my papa" which is also painful to hear. Hearing these kind of things then having to turn around and clean up his food he just spit out of his mouth because he didn't listen and crammed too much in or wipe his behind or make him a cup of juice for the 30th time that day makes for a rough day. It can turn even the most patient inside out. I am so thankful for my husband. Doing this alone would be maddening. I also appreciate my other kids as they see it on occasion and will come and just patiently hug me and remind me "you're a good momma, mom"
I try to ignore these episodes and gently remind him that I love you..I'm your momma and I will never leave you no matter what you say to me but on occasion I do have to walk away and allow Willem to step in and vice versa.
This holiday was bitter sweet. I busted my hump to give him the Christmas any child would love. To give him one he'll never forget. I was successful in many ways...he loved Christmas. His eyes lit up...he fell asleep appreciative of the day and so tuckered out from the excitement of it all. With all the hustle and bustle of it though he did unravel a bit. More fits than usual, more indiscriminate affection towards others, more moments where he was distant with us.  Something was brewing in him and the morning after Christmas I awoke to an angry confused little boy who decided to take it out on momma. I won't go into details but he was ugly and defiant and I had had enough, it was the straw that broke the camel's back and it broke my heart. For honestly the first time since we have gotten him I was furious with his mother. ANGRY that he was forced to live a life with people coming and going out of his life constantly. Never really able to call anyone family, never really knowing how to love someone. In his mind the best way to get attention was to kick and scream and then act cute and cuddly till you get what you want. It's all about survival. This precious adorable child deserved the best and he got nothing. And now I am here sheltering him, feeding him, loving him and trying to undo all the damage that was done.
My whole plan for the day was to just play with my kids and enjoy them, instead I spent hours working with him on how to properly treat mom while my other three kids sat downstairs waiting on me.
I had to take a moment, compose myself and remind myself..."he's overwhelmed, this "family" thing is new to him and it doesn't feel as real to him as it does my other kids" I cried a little then went back into his room and lovingly worked through it. At nap time he fell asleep in my arms. This time I prayed that he really feel my embrace and really enjoy it and that it sink into his heart...that he wake up feeling "this is for real."
In any event i don't write all this to complain. I've read about it and i feel prepared for it and I have strategies for making it better.  It is even to be expected.  None the less it sucks.  I am venting a little but more than that i'm writing for prayer from those of you who feel so inclined. I need lifting up and encouragement. Likewise, Kasen needs prayer...we want him to know that we love him and aren't going anywhere...It's okay to love back.

Christmas...

He's been here three whole months!  I feel like an update is in order.
First off I'll start with the obvious and most current...Christmas!
Obviously, it was a special Christmas for us.  Last year at this time we were planning to travel to Russia to meet another little boy only to find out a few days later that we were probably not a good fit for him as a family.  It was a hard time filled with anxiety and ultimately sadness.  This year was so different.  First off with regards to that little boy we recently found out that he has found a home!  He happily spent his first Christmas with his forever family too, a family that was better suited to his needs than us.  We are so thankful to know that God provided for him and that in the end our decision was what was best for him and not just us.  I'm amazed at how God worked it all out and how His plan was there all along.

Our family this year felt complete.  We are loving the balance of two girls, two boys.  While things are way more chaotic sometimes and loud and crazy...we still love it.  No more wondering what God had in store for us.  No more wondering if our son was out in the world scared and alone.  He was there, sitting in front of us with his feet dangling from the stool at the breakfast bar asking for "bilinis"(crepes) and chocolate milk for breakfast .  It seemed that Christmas time was more miraculous...I kept looking at him and thinking "how did you get here?" and "why haven't you been with us all along? you are obviously ours"

We did our typical Christmas things.  We made cookies, gingerbread houses, christmas ornaments...etc...  Kasen got to meet all of my mom's side of the family.  We had a great party complete with a bonfire and hayride.  We went to Acadian Village with friends and Kasen had so many firsts...he sat on Santa's lap, he saw a whole village of Christmas lights, he rode his first carnival ride, had his first fireworks experience!  He went to sleep that night and said "Mom I had good day" 

The boys really got into the Santa thing this year and went to bed on Christmas Eve bursting with excitement.  Chritmas morning was fun as usual but more bustling with an extra kiddo in the house. Kasen did get overwhelmed occasionally and more on that later but overall his Christmas was hopefully something he will never forget!  I know we will never forget his reaction to it all.  At one point I asked "Kasen did Santa come?"  He said "Yes, presents"  I said "yes you were a good boy.  I love you Merry Christmas."  He said back to me "Say it again momma" and hugged my neck.  Heart melt...teary eyes... :)
After all the presents were opened and the chaos of the day gone we all climbed into my bed to read about the birth of Jesus before bed.  Kasen likes to point out the baby Jesus and we hope he has some understanding of what Christmas is really about.
Above are a couple of shots from the past few week.  I hope all of you had a very special Christmas!

what is in a name...

We've had some questions over the past couple of months about our boys name. I thought I'd do a mini post to clarify. 
"Dima" is our son's nickname given to him by the orphanage.  All kids are typically called by their nicknames versus their real names in orphanages.  In Dima's case his name was Dmitry but he has never responded to that.  It's always been Dima.
When we adopted him we decided to give him an American name.  Our thinking is that he would like to have an American name as he gets older...let's face it, by the time he is grown he will be more American than Russian.  So we named him Kasen Dmitry Mast.
When we picked him up we decided to stick with Dima for a while as he was going through enough changes...he didn't need us to be calling him by something different to boot.  So Dima it was...
After he was home a couple of weeks I introduced him to his new name...it was a funny conversation so I'll go through it with you...
me: "Dima your name is Kasen"
Kasen: "My name is Dima"
me:  "Yes you are Dima Kasen"
Kasen:  "No i am Dima Boy"
me: "yes Kasen you are a boy"
Kasen: "momma...D...IIII.....MMMM...AAAA" (over enunciated as if I didn't understand)
I let it go for a while but soon referred to him as Dima Kasen.  Not long after he would say "Ya Kasen Dima"
Derek  (who still calls him Dima most often) opens to any stranger they meet "This is my brother Dima...He's from Russia...He speaks Russian" which is almost always followed by Kasen chiming in with "I'm Kasen Dima....hi"
It's all a little confusing, his name is Kasen but he'll answer to either.  Just clearing things up for those who thought we went out and adopted another child named Kasen :)

Happy Weekend

 Most parents of internationally adopted children say things turn around at 6 weeks.  I'm not sure if that is 6 weeks home or 6 weeks in our arms.  In any event Dima has been under our care for 6 weeks today.  I don't know if it's just been wishful thinking but I feel like he is so much more comfortable home now and so happy!  This past weekend has been by far his best.
Friday we took the kids to the pumpkin patch for pictures.  They did great and Dima has learned the word "pumpkin" and definately knows how to pose for a picture complete with his saying "CHEESE".  Below are a couple shots.

Saturday our good friends the Burns came over with their kids.  We had dinner, the kids ran around outside till after dark and everyone got along.  Dima acted appropriately with them not expecting them to take care of him but always came to "Momma" and "Pappa".  A good sign of attachment i'm told.  Brian had a great way of teaching him some english.  Saying "Da" or yes in Russian is addictive and Brian got him to start using "Yes"...he's still doing it and i find myself saying "Da" out of habit so that's tells me he's really trying.  Lots of giggles below...he's like the most ticklish kid i've ever met...

Sure he still has an occasional tantrum but we're not overly worried about it.  We deal with it and he moves on and honestly after he comes out of it he seems even more loving.  It seems like as he becomes more comfortable with us he feels like he can push us a little bit more.  I think he pushes we push back, he sees that we love him no matter what his behavior and in the end he loves us more.
There are more random "I love you"s and more moments where he just wants a cuddle.
I'll leave you with this last video so you can see the twinkle in his eyes for yourself...

1 Month in Our Arms

We picked him up a month ago today!  When I heard this song I knew we'd use it for a video about Dima one day.  Hope you like it!

Little Victories

It's amazing how a couple of days can change things.  On Friday I was at my wits end... Saturday wasn't any better.  Dima had been testing me at every turn and Derek was a whiny mess.  One was either trying to steal something from the other or telling me "no" in either English or Russian.  It was exhausting, stressful and I had had enough.  Usually on Fridays Willem and I go out with friends or on a date so staying home with non cooperative kids for the third Friday in a row was hard to swallow and I began to feel like this would never end.
Willem decided to take over and had to get stern with the boys and I guess it did a world of good.   Either that or my parents were praying overtime (we went over to their house for a bit and were horrible grumpy guests).
On Sunday Dima woke up happy.  He had slept without complaint and without waking up scared.  In fact we woke up and heard the boys. The both of them had gotten up on their own and we caught them heading downstairs by themselves.  We were shocked as Dima has not gotten out of his bed on his own since we got him.  It is a pretty typical trend for institutionalized kids to be conditioned to stay in their beds regardless of the circumstances.  Happy boy was ready to start playing with only the supervision of his brother.  Since that moment his days have been great.  When he gets grumpy after being told "no" for whatever reason he no longer tries to avoid eye contact but instead looks me in the eye and accepts it.  Naps are easy as are bedtimes.  When I hold him he hugs me back most times and has even started rubbing my back when I carry him around (something I've done to him since we met).  I know we will still have rough days but I feel like he has turned a corner.  It is almost like he has accepted us and realizes we are acting in his best interest even when he's not getting his way. Oh and the best yet...he's started saying "I love you" in Russian to me. :)

Derek has also calmed down.  He has started listening better and playing better with Dima.  In fact this morning he didn't want to go to school but instead wanted to stay and play more with his brother.  Again, not expecting this to always be the case but "Thank you LORD!"  I was beginning to get worried they would always hate each other.
With his new attitude we decided to push our luck and take him to the park and then out to dinner.  He did AMAZING!  Only started to break down once when we misunderstood him and said yes to him playing on something he pointed out only to find out he meant the nearby tractor/backhoe that nearby construction workers had been using!  Whoops!  He took it gracefully and was back on his way. 

It is crazy how just a slight change in attitude can make such a difference in our family.  Fingers crossed we all keep these happy outlooks!

new words: sorry, shoes, milk, cookie, moose, help, slide, brush teeth, one, two, three, four, five, hello, bye and my favorite russenglish phrase "Goodnight Luna"

 

 

Life with Dima

When we signed up for an international adoption we were required to do a certain amount of education with regards to the potential issues children from less than optimum backgrounds often posses.  We were personally most concerned about the issues surrounding institutionalized children.  Dima has been in an orphanage his whole life.   We know nothing about what it was like for him as an infant.  Was he held much?  Did someone talk to him frequently?  Was he rocked to sleep?  Held while fed a bottle?  Did he often have the same caretaker?  All these things were critical for his development.  It helps or hurts his ability to be able to recognize Willem and I as his Dad and Mom.  Will he develop a healthy attachment to us?
Having read about this over and over has been both a blessing and curse.  Knowing the signs of attachment issues helped us be able to feel comfortable with moving forward with Dima after only spending a few hours with him.  Now though,  I find myself stressing and always thinking about attachment.  I'm continually looking for good signs, bad signs any signs....  It's exhausting.  
Seeing my exhaustion my sweet husband demanded I have the day off on Saturday.  He declared Daddy Day Care and spent the weekend bonding with his boys.  He had them play in the rain, jump in the mud, explore our property, throw rocks in the ditches, play with sticks.  Willem knows the issues but admittedly I did the research and heavy studying.  Willem doesn't let it keep him from pushing Dima to try new things and as a result Dima's personality has begun to blossom.  Watching him with the boys made life feel normal again.  It made me realize I need to just let it be.  God chose Dima for us and whatever crops up from his past...God will give us the strength and wisdom to overcome it.  


 

Ironically after this surrender of my worrying and analyzing Dima started sleeping better, eating better, having shorter less frequent meltdowns.  He is more relaxed and so are we.  More and more I see him as any other kid instead of the damaged child all the books talk about.  He is so strong, so brave and I think he'll be that kid that turns lemons into lemonade.  Right now he is melting our hearts with his sweet funny personality and amazing us with his adaptability.

 

By the way: As you can see we got rid of the Euro Mullet! YAY! American haircut and American clothes go a long way.  I think he looks like my kiddos now where I never saw that resemblance before. 

 

English words this week: open, closed, car, cat, frog, horse, dog, fish, up, Dima's turn :) and his first albeit incorrect sentence "I nyet need to pee"

Our Brave Boy

We made it home and our homecoming was fantastic!  We were greeted by great friends and family bearing balloons and cards!  I was a little worried he would be overwhelmed but Dima seemed to relish in all the attention.  I think it was the abundance of children that really excited him.  His first moments with his siblings were perfect.  He knew their names and was eager to see them. 


Dima and big sister Maddy

Dima's adoring fans

Our first family photo

As far as his transition goes, I feel like it is going exceedingly well.  He has had only a few meltdowns and they are mostly about typical 3 year old stuff.  In fact our other 3 yr old, Derek has seemingly had more issues.  Going from being the baby to having another sibling let alone one that is walking talking and interested in the same toys as you is rough.

 

The things we are seeing we believe are symptoms of grief for his first home, his orphanage.  When in Russia we slept with him and while it comforted him he couldn't sleep.  We were too stimulating to him.  He would pet my face, my hair, my arms...everything for close to two hours before nodding off.  Now home we are teaching him to sleep in his bed without us.  Derek is in his room so I think that is comforting to him.  He will often fuss before bed but settles down and goes to sleep much quicker without us there.  Willem ultimately sleeps in there with him as he wakes up once or twice a night crying and after reassurance from Pappa he's off to sleep again.  A couple of times he has rattled off a list of names in his pre bed chatter.  We are pretty sure it's his group mates and we suspect they had some ritual of saying goodnight to everyone by name.

 

He also discovered our videos and pics of him in his orphanage on the plane ride home while entertaining him with my Ipad.  He will watch it over and over again.  It seems to calm him and he even laughs at the other group mates.  Our thinking is, his videos were comforting to us while we were away so we hope they are comforting to him now.

 

All in all he is incredibly sweet and smart.  He shares well.  Never hits or bites or lashes out at his siblings or even us when upset.  He's eating and playing well.  Will cuddle with us and enjoys making us laugh and smiling at us.  Most of the time he is happy and enjoying his new life and the freedoms he never had.  We know his grief is important and so we are nurturing him through it but pray he finds peace soon. 

 

Oh and for those of you who are wondering here is a list of English words from the top of my head that he uses:

on, off, light, juice, again, please, stop, walk, jump, run, telephone, jellyfish (thank you leappad computer)





All things Dima

What a great couple of days it has been!  We are loving getting to know our boy and he seems to be loving it as well.

Things we have learned about Dima:
He loves to eat but will tell you when he is full and wants no more
He loves to drink (especially juice)
He has a small bladder! (he drinks a lot and then has to go pee quickly...we're told they drink little in orphanages so it makes sense)
Grapes are yucky
Holding mama or papa's finger is the preferred way to go to sleep
Machinas (Russian for cars) are awesome....we are on a busy street and he is always pointing out         "Boshoia Machina!" "Malinkaya Machina" ("Big Car""Little Car")
Light switches rock
Bath time should be all the time and splashing water all over his face is great fun
He's quite the actor (if he gets hurt, even slightly, he rushes to us to kiss it and make it better...he is  quite convincing as to how hurt he is but after a kiss or us making a fuss over it he smiles and runs off as if nothing at all happened!)
Loves socks (especially new socks)
Loves music (bops his head when he hears it)

Yesterday we took him to the zoo here in Moscow.  Our translator had the day off and offered to take us.  Thank you Aunt Irina as Dima calls her!  We went via metro and Dima was absolutely amazed by the trains and the tunnels.  He loved the zoo and the animals.  I loved seeing his expressions but more than that I loved seeing him be a boy just like anyone else.  He sat on the subway next to a boy and he seemed so proud.  He kept looking at him like "I'm just like you"  At one point during the day he told some passerby "that's my mama".  (super sweet right?)

walking with mama and aunt Irina

this is how he smiles when told to smile for the camera

this is my favorite

he said "that elephant is not big it's huge"

"i'm not an animal" (best said with Arnold Schwarznegar accent)

Today we are hanging out and laying low as "Zoo Day" was a big day and we need to be taking it slow.  Hoping to meet up with another adopting couple tonight at Red Square.  Will try to post again tomorrow.

What you've been missing

Now that he is ours we can share with everyone what we have seen of Dima so far. Videos and pics of the past two trips!  I'm showing him off here so sorry for the excessive doating! :)

Trip #1

Willem spoke at our church on Father's Day this past June. We showed this video as a sum up of our first trip.  The first couple of pics of him are his referral picture and the first time he is in the room is when he met us for the first time.

Trip #2

Our piano playing Dima.... (love his sweet voice)

A few pics of the days during our 2nd trip

Checking out pics of home with Mama

Laughing at Papa as he feeds Dima cookies

Listen to the translator...he says he is "handsome" after getting his new clothes

 

My favorite video...it's the one that has gotten me thru this past month without him...

 

 

This one is a sad one from our 2nd trip when we were saying goodbye...Try to listen to the translator but he is basically saying he wants to go home now with us and when told we have to leave to buy him clothes, cookies, toys, etc... he says he doesn't want that he wants to go now. :(  We've got you now buddy!

Dima has Left the Building!

He's ours! After arriving in Moscow we were thrown for a loop as we were told that Dima had been moved to a new orphanage a week ago!  We were very concerned about his new state of being and what it would do to his transition.  Prayers were answered however.
We arrived at the orphanage during his lunch time.  It is a brand new facility.  Turns out all of the kids from his orphanage as well as some of the staff went with him.  The social worker we had used in the past, who was very stern and not very open about the orphanage was gone.  In her place was a lady who has been with Dima since he arrived there.  She repeatedly told me to take care of him as Dima was her baby.  She loves him very much.  She gave us her email address and asked us to please send pics and updates.
Another boy in his group was being adopted the same day and we were told they would talk over the past month about which toys their new "mama" brought and would count the days together.
They had all of his things we had brought him waiting as well as his baptism certificate and they had taken some pics with a camera I left over the past month.  Can't wait to get those developed!
We were allowed all over the facility this time and towards the end of the lunch time we were allowed to enter the lunch room.  He saw us and his face lit up.  The caretaker told him to finish eating and he started shoveling the soup in!  After a few minutes with him we had to leave the room as we were making quite a stir amongst the kids.
He barreled through the door and said "Let's go home" in Russian and headed to his bench in front of his locker and began taking off his clothes.  He knew he would get new stuff and was ready to get dressed and leave.  It was hysterical and the other couple adopting with us and the caretakers were in stitches laughing at him.
As we walked out he insisted on holding both mine and Willem's hand and kept saying "Mama and Papa".  The caretakers all said bye and told him to be well behaved.  There were tears in all of their eyes and we were repeatedly told he is very special to them.  The guard at the gate walked up to him to say goodbye and he said "I know I will be good.  I am a sweet boy" :)
The ride home was great.  He almost fell asleep on my lap.  He had a snack at the apartment and played....lied awake as he was supposed to nap :).  Later we went for a walk to a park and got some energy out of him.  Dinnertime...great... Bathtime was a breeze.  Bedtime is now and Willem is lying with him (I was on nap duty).  He is scared by himself and hopefully he is on his way to sleeping.  It has been a very stimulating day!
I'll leave you with a video (forgive poor quality) and pics of the day....and now that he is in our arms I can show you pics from the last couple of trips as well!  Enjoy and thank you for praying and celebrating with us!

We're coming DIMA!

We're off!  Our final trip to Moscow to retrieve our beautiful boy!
We are as ready as we ever could be.  Willem's sister flew in on Wednesday to hold down Ft. Mast (pray for her y'all, she'll have my three and her two all by herself)
Bags are packed up.  Can you guess which of these is for Dima?

Excitement doesn't even cover it...
Things I've heard from the mouth of Derek over the last week:
"Mom when Dima and i are going night night...can we talk?  that would be so fun"
"Mom I will protect Dima from the bad bugs...he won't know what they are"
"I'll share my cuddles with you with Dima but can we get a bigger couch so we can both cuddle?"
"Hey Dima.  What's up?  you're coming home soon.  I know... You too... Bye" (said into his play cellphone...)
"Mom can I share my stickers with Dima?"
"Mom how many days till Dima gets home?"
Ladies and Gentlemen...we have one very excited big brother over here...

The girls are equally excited and even set a place for him at the breakfast table Sunday.  Their teachers say it is all they talk about and they even have it marked on their classroom calendars. 

We will officially get Dima on Sept. 17th and he will stay with us as we spend the week in Moscow finishing up paperwork and waiting on his US visa.  Praying for good weather so we can get out and show him his city before we leave. 

We would love for Dima to get a glimpse of how many people have been praying for him and love him already... Anyone wanting to greet us off the plane we will arrive in Lafayette on Sunday Sept. 23 at 1:40 pm.

How to Help!

As we get closer to D Day as we are now calling it... Friends and family are starting to realize we are really coming home with a kiddo and asking what can we do to help? 
We've been reading A LOT about what is best for Dima (Kasen) when he gets home.  How to best nurture an attachment to us as his new parents.  Books will tell you to isolate yourselves for 6 months to a year.  Go no where. See no one. 
Anyone who knows Willem and i know that, the above will be VERY hard for us.  We are social folks.  We throw parties and initiate gatherings.  We love our friends.
As I do with everything that I am unsure of I google...  I came across this awesome blog post about how to "BE THE VILLAGE" by Jen Hatmaker.  I thought I'd copy and past the best parts of it...the parts that pertain to us directly. 
And Villagers...you know who you are..."Please don't leave us!" (read with pleading desperate woman voice).  Those wondering "am I  the village?" we welcome new villagers all the time. Just jump right in! :)

Supporting Families After the Airport
You went to the airport. The baby came down the escalator to cheers and balloons. The long adoption journey is over and your friends are home with their new baby / toddler / twins / siblings / teenager. Everyone is happy. Maybe Fox News even came out and filmed the big moment and “your friend” babbled like an idiot and didn’t say one constructive word about adoption and also she looked really sweaty during her interview. (Really? That happened to me too. Weird.)

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. I mean this nicely, but don’t come over for awhile. Most of us are going to hole up in our homes with our little tribe and attempt to create a stable routine without a lot of moving parts. This is not because we hate you; it’s because we are trying to establish the concept of “home” with our newbies, and lots of strangers coming and going makes them super nervous and unsure, especially strangers who are talking crazy language to them and trying to touch their hair.

2. Please do not touch, hug, kiss, or use physical affection with our kids for a few months. We absolutely know your intentions are good, but attachment is super tricky with abandoned kids, and they have had many caregivers, so when multiple adults (including extended family) continue to touch and hold them in their new environment, they become confused about who to bond with. This actually delays healthy attachment egregiously. It also teaches them that any adult or stranger can touch them without their permission, and believe me, many adoptive families are working HARD to undo the damage already done by this position. Thank you so much for respecting these physical boundaries.

3. For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center. (I did this in a passive aggressive way by writing this blog, which was more like “An Open Letter to Everyone Who Knows Us and Keeps Asking Us How Happy We Are.”) Starting with the right posture with your friends – this is hard right now – will totally help you become a safe friend to confide in / break down in front of / draw strength from.

4. Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.

5. If we’ve adopted older kids, please do not ask them if they “love America so much” or are “so happy to live in Texas.” It’s this simple: adoption is born from horrible loss. In an ideal world, there would be no adoption, because our children would be with their birth families, the way God intended. I’ll not win any points here, but I bristle when people say, “Our adopted child was chosen for us by God before the beginning of time.” No he wasn’t. He was destined for his birth family. God did not create these kids to belong to us. He didn’t decide that they should be born into poverty or disease or abandonment or abuse and despair aaaaaaaall so they could finally make it into our homes, where God intended them to be. No. We are a very distant Plan B. Children are meant for their birth families, same as my biological kids were meant for mine. Adoption is one possible answer to a very real tragedy… after it has already happened, not before as the impetus for abandonment. There is genuine grief and sorrow when your biological family is disrupted by death and poverty, and our kids have endured all this and more. So when you ask my 8-year-old if he is thrilled to be in Texas, please understand that he is not. He misses his country, his language, his food, his family. Our kids came to us in the throes of grief, as well they should. Please don’t make them smile and lie to you about how happy they are to be here.

6. Please do not disappear. If I thought the waiting stage was hard, it does not even hold the barest candle to what comes after the airport. Not. The. Barest. Candle. Never have I felt so isolated and petrified. Never have I been so overwhelmed and exhausted. We need you after the airport way more than we ever needed you before. I know you’re scared of us, what with our dirty hair and wild eyes and mystery children we’re keeping behind closed doors so they don’t freak out more than they already have, but please find ways to stick around. Call. Email. Check in. Post on our Facebook walls. Send us funny cards. Keep this behavior up for longer than six days.

Here’s what we would love to hear or experience After the Airport:

1. Cook for your friends. Put together a meal calendar and recruit every person who even remotely cares about them. We didn’t cook dinners for one solid month, and folks, that may have single handedly saved my sanity. There simply are not words to describe how exhausting and overwhelming those first few weeks are, not to mention the lovely jetlag everyone came home with. And if your friends adopted domestically right up the street, this is all still true, minus the jetlag.

2. If we have them, offer to take our biological kids for an adventure or sleepover. Please believe me: their lives just got WHACKED OUT, and they need a break, but their parents can’t give them one because they are 1.) cleaning up pee and poop all day, 2.) holding screaming children, 3.) spending all their time at doctors’ offices, and 4.) falling asleep in their clothes at 8:15pm. Plus, they are in lockdown mode with the recently adopted, trying to shield them from the trauma that is Walmart.

3. Thank you for getting excited with us over our little victories. I realize it sounds like a very small deal when we tell you our kindergartener is now staying in the same room as the dog, but if you could’ve seen the epic level of freakoutedness this dog caused her for three weeks, you would understand that this is really something. When you encourage us over our incremental progress, it helps. You remind us that we ARE moving forward and these little moments are worth celebrating. If we come to you spazzing out, please remind us where we were a month ago. Force us to acknowledge their gains. Be a cheerleader for the healing process.

4. Come over one night after our kids are asleep and sit with us on our porch. Let me tell you: we are all lonely in those early weeks. We are home, home, home, home, home. Good-bye, date nights. Good-bye, GNO’s. Good-bye, spontaneous anything. Good-bye, church. Good-bye, big public outings. Good-bye, community group. Good-bye, nightlife. So please bring some community to our doorstep. Bring friendship back into our lives. Bring adult conversation and laughter. And bring an expensive bottle of wine.

5. If the shoe fits, tell adopting families how their story is affecting yours. If God has moved in you over the course of our adoption, whether before the airport or after, if you’ve made a change or a decision, if somewhere deep inside a fire was lit, tell us, because it is spiritual water on dry souls. There is nothing more encouraging than finding out God is using our families for greater kingdom work, beautiful things we would never know or see. We gather the holy moments in our hands every day, praying for eyes to see God’s presence, his purposes realized in our story. When you put more holy moments in our hands to meditate on, we are drawn deeper into the Jesus who led us here.

Here’s one last thing: As you watch us struggle and celebrate and cry and flail, we also want you to know that adoption is beautiful, and a thousand times we’ve looked at each other and said, “What if we would’ve said no?” God invited us into something monumental and lovely, and we would’ve missed endless moments of glory had we walked away. We need you during these difficult months of waiting and transitioning, but we also hope you see that we serve a faithful God who heals and actually sets the lonely in families, just like He said He would. And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them. We are humbled. We’ve been gifted with a very holy task, and when you help us rise to the occasion, you have an inheritance in their story; your name will be counted in their legacy.

Because that day you brought us pulled pork tacos was the exact day I needed to skip dinner prep and hold my son on the couch for an hour, talking about Africa and beginning to bind up his emotional wounds. When you kidnapped me for two hours and took me to breakfast, I was at the very, very, absolute end that morning, but I came home renewed, able to greet my children after school with fresh love and patience. When you loved on my big kids and offered them sanctuary for a night, you kept the family rhythm in sync at the end of a hard week.

Thank you for being the village. You are so important.

Good stuff right?! Thanks to Jen Hatmaker!  10 days to "D Day"!!!