There is so much good about his situation that I have a hard time knowing where to begin. The typical things like English acquisition and eating and sleeping skills are all doing quite well. He astounds us with new English words everyday. Things I didn't know he knew that he uses appropriately. He still speaks some Russian and we still speak a little but the majority is English out of both his and our mouths. He narrates all day everything he's doing. It's pretty funny actually..."mom i'm pooping"..."mom I'm eating"..."mom i'm playing" He is using his english every chance he gets and we are loving it!
His sleeping has been much better. His waking at night terrified for unbenounced reasons are few and far between. He doesn't fight us for bed anymore either which signals to me that he either realizes he has lost that battle or he welcomes sleep a little more.
His eating has gotten better. He eats most things we put in front of him. We do have the occasional battle at dinnertime as do all three year olds but his are a little different than my other kiddos. We struggle teaching him the appropriate amount of food to put in his mouth. It isn't so much that he puts too much as it is that he takes FOREVER to chew and swallow. He is always the last to finish and often he overfills his mouth and chews on and on and eventually just spits it all out....which is infuriating! When he decides he doesn't like something and he knows he has to eat it he will do so but chews on it forever and even end up making himself throw it up later. Again a practice that drives us nutty! He's getting better and he is learning but it's at a slow pace in the food area...can't win them all...
His relationships with his siblings is great. He fights with Derek but all brothers do. Those two crack me up as they will be down right evil towards each other in one moment then giggling at each other just making silly faces across the room. His sisters, he adores...they are little mommas to him which sometimes is an issue but I feel like it is because of them that he is so secure at home. We can go out on dates because Maddy and Savannah are there to help put him to bed. Same with Derek...he is okay with going to mother's day out because big brother is next door and every now and then he will go to see him as a reminder.
He behaves himself in public and is usually easy to correct if need be. He's calmer in social settings too. No more running around like crazy constantly trying to be a clown.
He makes us laugh and participates as the other family members do. He doesn't seem like an outsider looking in anymore but a real part of the family. He includes himself and likes to say grace at a meal or add his story when the kids are going on and on...even if we don't understand it completely.
Our struggles with him have been minor and we feel so very blessed!
As with any family though it isn't all rainbows and butterflies...
As a mom you generally know what your kids are feeling often before they say it. You can tell if your kid lies, if he's truly sorry, if he's really hurt. You often know how best to discipline and how to get an appropriate response out of him. Often personalities come out with your kids that you recognize. You end up saying things like "you're just like your dad" or "you act like my sister". With Kasen it's a crap shoot. I can tell some times in his eyes if there is remorse but sometimes it is hard to distinguish if it's a real apology or if he just wants his thing back or his being able to play again. It's hard as a parent to hear "I'm sorry" or even "I love you" when you think it is a trained or learned response. It makes you raise an eyebrow at all those other times he says "I love you"...like do you really or do you just want something from me. With my bio kids it is assumed and comes natural. With Kasen it is super special when you know it's for real but it's irritating when you realize you are being manipulated with very special words like I love you.
If you would have asked me a couple of weeks ago how he is attaching I'd say no problems whatsoever. In recent weeks though I feel like he is testing us. He will say things like "I don't want momma" or "I want momma to go away" Same goes for Willem. He does this every now and then for both of us and it stings. He will sometimes point at complete strangers and say "that's my papa" which is also painful to hear. Hearing these kind of things then having to turn around and clean up his food he just spit out of his mouth because he didn't listen and crammed too much in or wipe his behind or make him a cup of juice for the 30th time that day makes for a rough day. It can turn even the most patient inside out. I am so thankful for my husband. Doing this alone would be maddening. I also appreciate my other kids as they see it on occasion and will come and just patiently hug me and remind me "you're a good momma, mom"
I try to ignore these episodes and gently remind him that I love you..I'm your momma and I will never leave you no matter what you say to me but on occasion I do have to walk away and allow Willem to step in and vice versa.
This holiday was bitter sweet. I busted my hump to give him the Christmas any child would love. To give him one he'll never forget. I was successful in many ways...he loved Christmas. His eyes lit up...he fell asleep appreciative of the day and so tuckered out from the excitement of it all. With all the hustle and bustle of it though he did unravel a bit. More fits than usual, more indiscriminate affection towards others, more moments where he was distant with us. Something was brewing in him and the morning after Christmas I awoke to an angry confused little boy who decided to take it out on momma. I won't go into details but he was ugly and defiant and I had had enough, it was the straw that broke the camel's back and it broke my heart. For honestly the first time since we have gotten him I was furious with his mother. ANGRY that he was forced to live a life with people coming and going out of his life constantly. Never really able to call anyone family, never really knowing how to love someone. In his mind the best way to get attention was to kick and scream and then act cute and cuddly till you get what you want. It's all about survival. This precious adorable child deserved the best and he got nothing. And now I am here sheltering him, feeding him, loving him and trying to undo all the damage that was done.
My whole plan for the day was to just play with my kids and enjoy them, instead I spent hours working with him on how to properly treat mom while my other three kids sat downstairs waiting on me.
I had to take a moment, compose myself and remind myself..."he's overwhelmed, this "family" thing is new to him and it doesn't feel as real to him as it does my other kids" I cried a little then went back into his room and lovingly worked through it. At nap time he fell asleep in my arms. This time I prayed that he really feel my embrace and really enjoy it and that it sink into his heart...that he wake up feeling "this is for real."
In any event i don't write all this to complain. I've read about it and i feel prepared for it and I have strategies for making it better. It is even to be expected. None the less it sucks. I am venting a little but more than that i'm writing for prayer from those of you who feel so inclined. I need lifting up and encouragement. Likewise, Kasen needs prayer...we want him to know that we love him and aren't going anywhere...It's okay to love back.
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