Our Brave Boy

We made it home and our homecoming was fantastic!  We were greeted by great friends and family bearing balloons and cards!  I was a little worried he would be overwhelmed but Dima seemed to relish in all the attention.  I think it was the abundance of children that really excited him.  His first moments with his siblings were perfect.  He knew their names and was eager to see them. 


Dima and big sister Maddy

Dima's adoring fans

Our first family photo

As far as his transition goes, I feel like it is going exceedingly well.  He has had only a few meltdowns and they are mostly about typical 3 year old stuff.  In fact our other 3 yr old, Derek has seemingly had more issues.  Going from being the baby to having another sibling let alone one that is walking talking and interested in the same toys as you is rough.

 

The things we are seeing we believe are symptoms of grief for his first home, his orphanage.  When in Russia we slept with him and while it comforted him he couldn't sleep.  We were too stimulating to him.  He would pet my face, my hair, my arms...everything for close to two hours before nodding off.  Now home we are teaching him to sleep in his bed without us.  Derek is in his room so I think that is comforting to him.  He will often fuss before bed but settles down and goes to sleep much quicker without us there.  Willem ultimately sleeps in there with him as he wakes up once or twice a night crying and after reassurance from Pappa he's off to sleep again.  A couple of times he has rattled off a list of names in his pre bed chatter.  We are pretty sure it's his group mates and we suspect they had some ritual of saying goodnight to everyone by name.

 

He also discovered our videos and pics of him in his orphanage on the plane ride home while entertaining him with my Ipad.  He will watch it over and over again.  It seems to calm him and he even laughs at the other group mates.  Our thinking is, his videos were comforting to us while we were away so we hope they are comforting to him now.

 

All in all he is incredibly sweet and smart.  He shares well.  Never hits or bites or lashes out at his siblings or even us when upset.  He's eating and playing well.  Will cuddle with us and enjoys making us laugh and smiling at us.  Most of the time he is happy and enjoying his new life and the freedoms he never had.  We know his grief is important and so we are nurturing him through it but pray he finds peace soon. 

 

Oh and for those of you who are wondering here is a list of English words from the top of my head that he uses:

on, off, light, juice, again, please, stop, walk, jump, run, telephone, jellyfish (thank you leappad computer)





The Highs...

Today was a bit more trying day with Dima.  I'll post more about that later but it's late in Moscow and Willem and I were just talking about all the great things about him and we came up with this funny list so I thought I'd post it so I don't forget...Here goes

by the way i call this picture "Dima...the boy from Russia"

Funny Things about Dima
he's scared of the trash can...he thinks it bit him once (it's one of those step on cans where the lid goes up...it kind of did as it came down a little fast and caught his finger ever so slightly.  we had to kiss it and make a big deal of it and fuss at the trash can.  now everytime we throw something away we act like we're scared and relieved when the trash can doesn't bite us....he still fusses at it by shaking his finger as he passes by)

he sings at the top of his lungs in moscow (we can't figure out how to tell him to be quiet and it draws attention which makes us uneasy as i'm sure people get suspicious when they see english speaking people carrying around a very talkative not always cooperative Russian toddler)

scared of washing machine (asked if it would bite him too)

scared of things that bite (saw a seal biting another seal..wouldn't touch a crocodile statue...said it bites...we are wondering who has been biting this child?)

he tries to tickle my feet (he thinks its hysterical...it was fun but it's getting tiresome playing like it is ticklish all day long but i oblige him)

he tried to grab the water as it was draining (we let him sit in it till its gone...seems more passive aggressive that way as he loves his bath...he tries to catch it and then when all gone he says "Bye water")

iphone game with finger drawing is magic (you know the ones where you color with your finger...he keeps looking at his finger to figure out where the color is coming from)

he's obsessed with jackets (willem told him to put on his sweater and called his own sweater a jacket...dima wanted the "jacket" and said it was his.  he put it on so we could show him it was too big as all we can say that would apply in russian is "big"...willem also put on his jacket so we could say "small")...so wishing we had a pic of willem in the small jacket

would brush his teeth all day but looks like he's in agony as he does it...well see for yourself

he walks straight towards us every time we try to take a pic of him by himself...we have several of him close up to the camera about to grab it...can't figure out how to say stay there or smile for that matter)

he picks his nose right before he falls asleep
That is all for tonight...i'm spent!

 

All things Dima

What a great couple of days it has been!  We are loving getting to know our boy and he seems to be loving it as well.

Things we have learned about Dima:
He loves to eat but will tell you when he is full and wants no more
He loves to drink (especially juice)
He has a small bladder! (he drinks a lot and then has to go pee quickly...we're told they drink little in orphanages so it makes sense)
Grapes are yucky
Holding mama or papa's finger is the preferred way to go to sleep
Machinas (Russian for cars) are awesome....we are on a busy street and he is always pointing out         "Boshoia Machina!" "Malinkaya Machina" ("Big Car""Little Car")
Light switches rock
Bath time should be all the time and splashing water all over his face is great fun
He's quite the actor (if he gets hurt, even slightly, he rushes to us to kiss it and make it better...he is  quite convincing as to how hurt he is but after a kiss or us making a fuss over it he smiles and runs off as if nothing at all happened!)
Loves socks (especially new socks)
Loves music (bops his head when he hears it)

Yesterday we took him to the zoo here in Moscow.  Our translator had the day off and offered to take us.  Thank you Aunt Irina as Dima calls her!  We went via metro and Dima was absolutely amazed by the trains and the tunnels.  He loved the zoo and the animals.  I loved seeing his expressions but more than that I loved seeing him be a boy just like anyone else.  He sat on the subway next to a boy and he seemed so proud.  He kept looking at him like "I'm just like you"  At one point during the day he told some passerby "that's my mama".  (super sweet right?)

walking with mama and aunt Irina

this is how he smiles when told to smile for the camera

this is my favorite

he said "that elephant is not big it's huge"

"i'm not an animal" (best said with Arnold Schwarznegar accent)

Today we are hanging out and laying low as "Zoo Day" was a big day and we need to be taking it slow.  Hoping to meet up with another adopting couple tonight at Red Square.  Will try to post again tomorrow.

What you've been missing

Now that he is ours we can share with everyone what we have seen of Dima so far. Videos and pics of the past two trips!  I'm showing him off here so sorry for the excessive doating! :)

Trip #1

Willem spoke at our church on Father's Day this past June. We showed this video as a sum up of our first trip.  The first couple of pics of him are his referral picture and the first time he is in the room is when he met us for the first time.

Trip #2

Our piano playing Dima.... (love his sweet voice)

A few pics of the days during our 2nd trip

Checking out pics of home with Mama

Laughing at Papa as he feeds Dima cookies

Listen to the translator...he says he is "handsome" after getting his new clothes

 

My favorite video...it's the one that has gotten me thru this past month without him...

 

 

This one is a sad one from our 2nd trip when we were saying goodbye...Try to listen to the translator but he is basically saying he wants to go home now with us and when told we have to leave to buy him clothes, cookies, toys, etc... he says he doesn't want that he wants to go now. :(  We've got you now buddy!

Dima has Left the Building!

He's ours! After arriving in Moscow we were thrown for a loop as we were told that Dima had been moved to a new orphanage a week ago!  We were very concerned about his new state of being and what it would do to his transition.  Prayers were answered however.
We arrived at the orphanage during his lunch time.  It is a brand new facility.  Turns out all of the kids from his orphanage as well as some of the staff went with him.  The social worker we had used in the past, who was very stern and not very open about the orphanage was gone.  In her place was a lady who has been with Dima since he arrived there.  She repeatedly told me to take care of him as Dima was her baby.  She loves him very much.  She gave us her email address and asked us to please send pics and updates.
Another boy in his group was being adopted the same day and we were told they would talk over the past month about which toys their new "mama" brought and would count the days together.
They had all of his things we had brought him waiting as well as his baptism certificate and they had taken some pics with a camera I left over the past month.  Can't wait to get those developed!
We were allowed all over the facility this time and towards the end of the lunch time we were allowed to enter the lunch room.  He saw us and his face lit up.  The caretaker told him to finish eating and he started shoveling the soup in!  After a few minutes with him we had to leave the room as we were making quite a stir amongst the kids.
He barreled through the door and said "Let's go home" in Russian and headed to his bench in front of his locker and began taking off his clothes.  He knew he would get new stuff and was ready to get dressed and leave.  It was hysterical and the other couple adopting with us and the caretakers were in stitches laughing at him.
As we walked out he insisted on holding both mine and Willem's hand and kept saying "Mama and Papa".  The caretakers all said bye and told him to be well behaved.  There were tears in all of their eyes and we were repeatedly told he is very special to them.  The guard at the gate walked up to him to say goodbye and he said "I know I will be good.  I am a sweet boy" :)
The ride home was great.  He almost fell asleep on my lap.  He had a snack at the apartment and played....lied awake as he was supposed to nap :).  Later we went for a walk to a park and got some energy out of him.  Dinnertime...great... Bathtime was a breeze.  Bedtime is now and Willem is lying with him (I was on nap duty).  He is scared by himself and hopefully he is on his way to sleeping.  It has been a very stimulating day!
I'll leave you with a video (forgive poor quality) and pics of the day....and now that he is in our arms I can show you pics from the last couple of trips as well!  Enjoy and thank you for praying and celebrating with us!

We're coming DIMA!

We're off!  Our final trip to Moscow to retrieve our beautiful boy!
We are as ready as we ever could be.  Willem's sister flew in on Wednesday to hold down Ft. Mast (pray for her y'all, she'll have my three and her two all by herself)
Bags are packed up.  Can you guess which of these is for Dima?

Excitement doesn't even cover it...
Things I've heard from the mouth of Derek over the last week:
"Mom when Dima and i are going night night...can we talk?  that would be so fun"
"Mom I will protect Dima from the bad bugs...he won't know what they are"
"I'll share my cuddles with you with Dima but can we get a bigger couch so we can both cuddle?"
"Hey Dima.  What's up?  you're coming home soon.  I know... You too... Bye" (said into his play cellphone...)
"Mom can I share my stickers with Dima?"
"Mom how many days till Dima gets home?"
Ladies and Gentlemen...we have one very excited big brother over here...

The girls are equally excited and even set a place for him at the breakfast table Sunday.  Their teachers say it is all they talk about and they even have it marked on their classroom calendars. 

We will officially get Dima on Sept. 17th and he will stay with us as we spend the week in Moscow finishing up paperwork and waiting on his US visa.  Praying for good weather so we can get out and show him his city before we leave. 

We would love for Dima to get a glimpse of how many people have been praying for him and love him already... Anyone wanting to greet us off the plane we will arrive in Lafayette on Sunday Sept. 23 at 1:40 pm.

How to Help!

As we get closer to D Day as we are now calling it... Friends and family are starting to realize we are really coming home with a kiddo and asking what can we do to help? 
We've been reading A LOT about what is best for Dima (Kasen) when he gets home.  How to best nurture an attachment to us as his new parents.  Books will tell you to isolate yourselves for 6 months to a year.  Go no where. See no one. 
Anyone who knows Willem and i know that, the above will be VERY hard for us.  We are social folks.  We throw parties and initiate gatherings.  We love our friends.
As I do with everything that I am unsure of I google...  I came across this awesome blog post about how to "BE THE VILLAGE" by Jen Hatmaker.  I thought I'd copy and past the best parts of it...the parts that pertain to us directly. 
And Villagers...you know who you are..."Please don't leave us!" (read with pleading desperate woman voice).  Those wondering "am I  the village?" we welcome new villagers all the time. Just jump right in! :)

Supporting Families After the Airport
You went to the airport. The baby came down the escalator to cheers and balloons. The long adoption journey is over and your friends are home with their new baby / toddler / twins / siblings / teenager. Everyone is happy. Maybe Fox News even came out and filmed the big moment and “your friend” babbled like an idiot and didn’t say one constructive word about adoption and also she looked really sweaty during her interview. (Really? That happened to me too. Weird.)

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. I mean this nicely, but don’t come over for awhile. Most of us are going to hole up in our homes with our little tribe and attempt to create a stable routine without a lot of moving parts. This is not because we hate you; it’s because we are trying to establish the concept of “home” with our newbies, and lots of strangers coming and going makes them super nervous and unsure, especially strangers who are talking crazy language to them and trying to touch their hair.

2. Please do not touch, hug, kiss, or use physical affection with our kids for a few months. We absolutely know your intentions are good, but attachment is super tricky with abandoned kids, and they have had many caregivers, so when multiple adults (including extended family) continue to touch and hold them in their new environment, they become confused about who to bond with. This actually delays healthy attachment egregiously. It also teaches them that any adult or stranger can touch them without their permission, and believe me, many adoptive families are working HARD to undo the damage already done by this position. Thank you so much for respecting these physical boundaries.

3. For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center. (I did this in a passive aggressive way by writing this blog, which was more like “An Open Letter to Everyone Who Knows Us and Keeps Asking Us How Happy We Are.”) Starting with the right posture with your friends – this is hard right now – will totally help you become a safe friend to confide in / break down in front of / draw strength from.

4. Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.

5. If we’ve adopted older kids, please do not ask them if they “love America so much” or are “so happy to live in Texas.” It’s this simple: adoption is born from horrible loss. In an ideal world, there would be no adoption, because our children would be with their birth families, the way God intended. I’ll not win any points here, but I bristle when people say, “Our adopted child was chosen for us by God before the beginning of time.” No he wasn’t. He was destined for his birth family. God did not create these kids to belong to us. He didn’t decide that they should be born into poverty or disease or abandonment or abuse and despair aaaaaaaall so they could finally make it into our homes, where God intended them to be. No. We are a very distant Plan B. Children are meant for their birth families, same as my biological kids were meant for mine. Adoption is one possible answer to a very real tragedy… after it has already happened, not before as the impetus for abandonment. There is genuine grief and sorrow when your biological family is disrupted by death and poverty, and our kids have endured all this and more. So when you ask my 8-year-old if he is thrilled to be in Texas, please understand that he is not. He misses his country, his language, his food, his family. Our kids came to us in the throes of grief, as well they should. Please don’t make them smile and lie to you about how happy they are to be here.

6. Please do not disappear. If I thought the waiting stage was hard, it does not even hold the barest candle to what comes after the airport. Not. The. Barest. Candle. Never have I felt so isolated and petrified. Never have I been so overwhelmed and exhausted. We need you after the airport way more than we ever needed you before. I know you’re scared of us, what with our dirty hair and wild eyes and mystery children we’re keeping behind closed doors so they don’t freak out more than they already have, but please find ways to stick around. Call. Email. Check in. Post on our Facebook walls. Send us funny cards. Keep this behavior up for longer than six days.

Here’s what we would love to hear or experience After the Airport:

1. Cook for your friends. Put together a meal calendar and recruit every person who even remotely cares about them. We didn’t cook dinners for one solid month, and folks, that may have single handedly saved my sanity. There simply are not words to describe how exhausting and overwhelming those first few weeks are, not to mention the lovely jetlag everyone came home with. And if your friends adopted domestically right up the street, this is all still true, minus the jetlag.

2. If we have them, offer to take our biological kids for an adventure or sleepover. Please believe me: their lives just got WHACKED OUT, and they need a break, but their parents can’t give them one because they are 1.) cleaning up pee and poop all day, 2.) holding screaming children, 3.) spending all their time at doctors’ offices, and 4.) falling asleep in their clothes at 8:15pm. Plus, they are in lockdown mode with the recently adopted, trying to shield them from the trauma that is Walmart.

3. Thank you for getting excited with us over our little victories. I realize it sounds like a very small deal when we tell you our kindergartener is now staying in the same room as the dog, but if you could’ve seen the epic level of freakoutedness this dog caused her for three weeks, you would understand that this is really something. When you encourage us over our incremental progress, it helps. You remind us that we ARE moving forward and these little moments are worth celebrating. If we come to you spazzing out, please remind us where we were a month ago. Force us to acknowledge their gains. Be a cheerleader for the healing process.

4. Come over one night after our kids are asleep and sit with us on our porch. Let me tell you: we are all lonely in those early weeks. We are home, home, home, home, home. Good-bye, date nights. Good-bye, GNO’s. Good-bye, spontaneous anything. Good-bye, church. Good-bye, big public outings. Good-bye, community group. Good-bye, nightlife. So please bring some community to our doorstep. Bring friendship back into our lives. Bring adult conversation and laughter. And bring an expensive bottle of wine.

5. If the shoe fits, tell adopting families how their story is affecting yours. If God has moved in you over the course of our adoption, whether before the airport or after, if you’ve made a change or a decision, if somewhere deep inside a fire was lit, tell us, because it is spiritual water on dry souls. There is nothing more encouraging than finding out God is using our families for greater kingdom work, beautiful things we would never know or see. We gather the holy moments in our hands every day, praying for eyes to see God’s presence, his purposes realized in our story. When you put more holy moments in our hands to meditate on, we are drawn deeper into the Jesus who led us here.

Here’s one last thing: As you watch us struggle and celebrate and cry and flail, we also want you to know that adoption is beautiful, and a thousand times we’ve looked at each other and said, “What if we would’ve said no?” God invited us into something monumental and lovely, and we would’ve missed endless moments of glory had we walked away. We need you during these difficult months of waiting and transitioning, but we also hope you see that we serve a faithful God who heals and actually sets the lonely in families, just like He said He would. And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them. We are humbled. We’ve been gifted with a very holy task, and when you help us rise to the occasion, you have an inheritance in their story; your name will be counted in their legacy.

Because that day you brought us pulled pork tacos was the exact day I needed to skip dinner prep and hold my son on the couch for an hour, talking about Africa and beginning to bind up his emotional wounds. When you kidnapped me for two hours and took me to breakfast, I was at the very, very, absolute end that morning, but I came home renewed, able to greet my children after school with fresh love and patience. When you loved on my big kids and offered them sanctuary for a night, you kept the family rhythm in sync at the end of a hard week.

Thank you for being the village. You are so important.

Good stuff right?! Thanks to Jen Hatmaker!  10 days to "D Day"!!!