I've hesitated to write about this but feel like now is the time...
When we received our referral in November it all began happening very quickly. We hired the first adoption doctor we could find to take a look at our referral's medicals. This doctor painted us a very grim picture. Her delivery wasn't very good and when questioned she acted as if the medicals from Russia for adoption are typically accurate. I began to look into the things she said and very quickly began to build a case against all of her concerns. We, over the next few weeks, convinced ourselves he was fine and got caught up in the business of our dossier and the holidays.
As we prepared for our impending trip to Russia we decided we needed a doctor on call in the States to talk to while abroad. Someone to take a look at the new information we would receive. This time I researched a ton... I found the rockstar of Adoption Medicine. She is quoted repeatedly on adoption websites and in books. She is arguably the authority on international adoption diagnosis, especially Russian adoptions.
She agreed to take us on and took a look at our referral's medicals the week after Christmas. We were not prepared for what she had to say.
This doctor said exactly the same things as the first. Without getting into too much detail the words prematurity, cerebral palsy, autistic and intellectual disability were thrown around. Things I hadn't noticed in his medical became clearer and we realized we were looking at a special needs adoption. He was classified on a scale of 1-5 as being a 5...the highest risk.
We were/are devastated. We cried and asked if there were any doubts in her mind. She was incredibly compassionate and sadly very sure of herself. She prepared us for the possibility of having to provide care for this little boy for the rest of his life.
We were faced with the hardest decision of our 12 years of marriage.... We called the agency and turned down our referral.
We both struggle with the reality of what has happened. We know that as a family of three other children taking on a child that is already at such huge disadvantages and having been institutionalized for his entire life would require sacrifices that we are not sure God wants us to make. I could write for days about our emotions and thoughts but it comes down to this... I KNOW that we are not what is best for him. We are not equipped with the support, the time, resources and attention he would require and deserves. We promised ourselves that we wouldn't take the first emotional case that came along...we need to make the decision that is best for all five of us and not just the boy being adopted.
I wanted to write this real eloquent post about adoption and have this all tied up in a neat package but as I write I'm too filled with emotion to make it pretty. This is the nitty gritty truth about adoption and why this is so hard for so many. We are grieving about a child that we haven't met, only have a picture of but fantasized about being a part of our family. We don't know what will happen to Maxim but we are pleading with God to help him and to give him the family he deserves.
As for us, we are waiting. We have spoken with our agency but they are waiting to see if any referrals are available in the region that we are now registered in. Russia is just wrapping up their holiday season so we have had no word as of yet. We are not overly excited about getting another referral but we are pushing forward. We know that this is a road God wanted us to go down and so we are pressing on.
We struggle with telling people about this because we don't want judgement. I personally have beaten myself up enough about it all. I feel like if i was a better mother, person, more patient, etc... I could handle him. I know that I can't be all things but I hate it that I am not. Willem is heartbroken as well. He is the softy of the two of us and it is very hard for him to grasp that we have no way of helping him beyond our prayers. We have cried rivers over it. The kids are sad as well and they still pray for him every night.
Pray for us...for our hearts to heal....our path to our next referral...our kids to understand this really "grown up" decision....our dealings with false guilt...etc...
BUT please pray for Maxim...pray he finds the home God wants him to have...
